Light The Sky And Hold On Tight. The World Is Burning Down. He’s Out There On His Own And He’s Alright
Devil went out into the Metropolis again today. Devil went out into the Metropolis with The Grey Wolf. Spending the day with Grey Wolf helped Devil gain some much needed clarity.
Like I had planned, I went out into the Metropolis with Grey Wolf to buy some dedicated rock climbing shoes. We checked into a number of specialist shops and I found a pair that both looked good and served my style of climbing. They cost me $185. On the way back…I bought 2 more games for the Playstation.
I thought I was going on a bit of a spending spree but as Grey Wolf pointed out…I deserved it. That’s when things clicked. I’ve been thinking about it all wrong. I’ve been thinking about other people and trying to do the right thing by them. Not anymore.
I made a call to one of the senior university lecturers today regarding the progression of my research. To say that he was very interested in my work would be an understatement.
He seemed to be of the opinion that the research I had been conducting was both valuable and would make a significant contribution to my chosen field of research.
To say he was eager for me to progress the research would also be an understatement. Big fucking deal. What’s in it for me? How will it benefit me?
I also got a call from the coordinators of the state awards this morning. I’ve been invited to a finalists presentation ceremony on Wednesday where there will be individuals from the relevant industry publications taking photos and interviewing me regarding my accomplishments. This will obviously benefit me so it serves a greater purpose. MY purpose.
It’s all good and well to say that family and friends understand what’s going on. It’s all good and well to say that the people around you actually care about you. It’s all good and well to say that the people around me call me a ‘friend’. It’s all good and well to say it. It’s another thing to mean it, then again…maybe a friend is someone you use to achieve your own ends. That would make more sense. That’s the definition that I’m most familiar with.
Regardless. They’re all just words to me now and they mean nothing to me anymore. They’re meaning has been cheapened by everyone that’s tried to use it. I thought I made a difference to people but I was obviously deluded.
If I’ve made any mistake it has been to have the false belief that I ever had 'friends'. You’re a friend until you are no longer useful and I…am no longer useful to anyone anymore.
I will no longer be used. I serve no one but me. I serve no one’s purposes but my own. For too long I had begun to care about the people around me. Watching over them. Watching out for them. Ensuring no harm came to them. Holding out my hand if they ever needed help.
Where were they when harm came to me? Where were they when I needed a hand to help me? Where was I supposed to turn?
They were there…watching me. Just watching. Nothing brings out the spectators like a good disaster. I guess my tail-spin into another depression was disaster-worthy.
It makes me laugh when I hear people say that they'll "be there for you" because they're always the first to turn their back. It's my own fault really. I believed that I had a network of support that would catch me if I ever fell.
The cries were made but were never heard.
The signs were shown but never seen.
The messages were sent but never understood.
No one is important to me anymore. Except me. It’s too late to save me now.
Devil had fallen but was never caught. He has had to fly with his own wings once more. I was stupid to ever believe that I could ever be caught if I fell.
I am cold and I have no fire. Therefore…I’m going to burn everything and everyone around me and like a Phoenix, I will rise anew from the ashes.
Like I had planned, I went out into the Metropolis with Grey Wolf to buy some dedicated rock climbing shoes. We checked into a number of specialist shops and I found a pair that both looked good and served my style of climbing. They cost me $185. On the way back…I bought 2 more games for the Playstation.
I thought I was going on a bit of a spending spree but as Grey Wolf pointed out…I deserved it. That’s when things clicked. I’ve been thinking about it all wrong. I’ve been thinking about other people and trying to do the right thing by them. Not anymore.
I made a call to one of the senior university lecturers today regarding the progression of my research. To say that he was very interested in my work would be an understatement.
He seemed to be of the opinion that the research I had been conducting was both valuable and would make a significant contribution to my chosen field of research.
To say he was eager for me to progress the research would also be an understatement. Big fucking deal. What’s in it for me? How will it benefit me?
I also got a call from the coordinators of the state awards this morning. I’ve been invited to a finalists presentation ceremony on Wednesday where there will be individuals from the relevant industry publications taking photos and interviewing me regarding my accomplishments. This will obviously benefit me so it serves a greater purpose. MY purpose.
It’s all good and well to say that family and friends understand what’s going on. It’s all good and well to say that the people around you actually care about you. It’s all good and well to say that the people around me call me a ‘friend’. It’s all good and well to say it. It’s another thing to mean it, then again…maybe a friend is someone you use to achieve your own ends. That would make more sense. That’s the definition that I’m most familiar with.
Regardless. They’re all just words to me now and they mean nothing to me anymore. They’re meaning has been cheapened by everyone that’s tried to use it. I thought I made a difference to people but I was obviously deluded.
If I’ve made any mistake it has been to have the false belief that I ever had 'friends'. You’re a friend until you are no longer useful and I…am no longer useful to anyone anymore.
I will no longer be used. I serve no one but me. I serve no one’s purposes but my own. For too long I had begun to care about the people around me. Watching over them. Watching out for them. Ensuring no harm came to them. Holding out my hand if they ever needed help.
Where were they when harm came to me? Where were they when I needed a hand to help me? Where was I supposed to turn?
They were there…watching me. Just watching. Nothing brings out the spectators like a good disaster. I guess my tail-spin into another depression was disaster-worthy.
It makes me laugh when I hear people say that they'll "be there for you" because they're always the first to turn their back. It's my own fault really. I believed that I had a network of support that would catch me if I ever fell.
The cries were made but were never heard.
The signs were shown but never seen.
The messages were sent but never understood.
No one is important to me anymore. Except me. It’s too late to save me now.
Devil had fallen but was never caught. He has had to fly with his own wings once more. I was stupid to ever believe that I could ever be caught if I fell.
I am cold and I have no fire. Therefore…I’m going to burn everything and everyone around me and like a Phoenix, I will rise anew from the ashes.
Devil's Winamp: Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home
Devil's Mood : Revived / Furious / Selfish / Arrogant / Closed
Character Profile
The Grey Wolf:
- Is actually the grey sheep of the family (unlike me being the black sheep) but could be considered to be a wolf in sheep clothing hence the name.
- Is also a rock climber and is extremely knowledgeable with anything rock climbing related.
- Is also highly intelligence and is full of useless facts and interesting points.
- Shares much of my cynicism regarding various aspects of life and humanity.
- Is my cousin and similarly has an extreme dislike for my idiot uncle.
posted by Devil's Advocate at 12.6.06
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