I’m Coming Out Of My Cage And I’ve Been Doing Just Fine. Gotta Gotta Be Down Because I Want It All
Here’s the recent event’s of Devil’s life…and with the fast approaching Annual Boot Camp with The Crew…things should be getting even better pretty soon.
--------------------
On Thursday, I seem to have picked up a new bitch boy. Well…not so much as in picked up…but more along the lines of…added another one to the collection. Maybe it’s just me and my warped interpretations but (J) from gymnastics seems to be drawn to me more and more (or maybe I’m just being hopeful). Despite the fact that he’s only about 14 [and obviously jail-bait]…the fact that (I think) he admires me is something that’s definitely of interest to me.
I don’t exactly know why he admires me or for what reasons because he’s better at gymnastics at I am and he keeps coming over to me to give me advice on how to do the different flips and jumps that I seem to have a problem doing.
Maybe I’m just completely misinterpreting things but I catch glimpses of him looking at me and when I take a break and when I rest out on the side of the gym he comes and sits near me and talks to me about random things just to have a conversation with me.
I’m almost certain that he looks at me with admiration because it’s the same look(s) that I give The Traceour (except I’m not jail-bait)…and the Traceour is really good at Parkour…I, on the other hand, am not really good at anything so that’s where I’m having some difficulty in understanding why it could be admiration.
In other news, The Raver has given me his portable hard drive that’s full of rave music and movies. He has trusted me with his portable hard drive! He’s trusted me!!! He’s trusted me with the contents of what forms a large part of his music collection!!! I was shocked when he gave it to me but honoured at the same time. He trusts me!!!
I’ve had a look through the music and as expected…it’s the dance / trance / rave music that I love. The movies that he’s got on his hard drive are also the sort of movies that I like. Obviously there are a few mainstream movies on there...but there are a few that are pretty much the exact type of movies that I like.
Namely…those that don’t necessarily finish with a happy or concluded ending. I’ve managed to watch a couple of the more obscure movies: Requiem for a Dream, The Number 23 and Pi. They’re interesting movies and I’d definitely recommend them to people who don’t mind thinking a little bit while their watching a movie.
--------------------
On Friday, I was sent an email by one of the other researchers that I hadn’t heard from a while who then called me a little bit after she had sent the email to make sure that I checked it. She firstly called me up to have a bit of a gossip session about the (very public) events that were going on at The Centre and the underlying factors that weren’t reported in the newspaper.
The purpose of her phone call to me though, was to let me know about a job that had just been advertised and that she thought I would be more than suitable for. I’ve had a look at the job description and even though I’d be both suitable and qualified…I think it’s a bit beyond my capabilities. The job does pay a crap load more than my current job and definitely has more prestige (not to mention power) but I don’t know if I’m capable of doing it.
Regardless, I’m still going to apply for it. There’s no harm in applying for it and I think I’ve got what it takes to at least get an interview.
--------------------
I spent pretty much all of Saturday changing my hair colour, reviewing and modifying my resume, working on my job application, watching a few movies on The Raver’s portable hard drive and playing some more of X-Men Legends 2: Rise of The Apocolypse (I love Cyclops). Basically…I spent the whole day being unproductive…which was a HUGE change to my (usually extremely busy) schedule.
Anyway, I basically spent most of the day bleaching my hair making it almost white…then adding the bright red to it. Surprisingly, my minions didn’t even bat an eyelid this time. My minion (father) only made the single comment “Can’t grow up can you?” to which I didn’t reply…and my minion (mother) only walked past me while I was in the bathroom and told me to use the old towels (the one with the black hair dye in it) once I had finished.
I found this to be both odd…yet intriguing. My minion (brother) on the other hand seems to have a complete dislike for it (not to mention, me) because it makes me “stand out” and that “people will look at you”.
If only he had told me sooner! Then I might not have spent all fucking day bleaching my hair so that when I put the red in it, it wouldn’t show up as bright as chemically posible! Maybe if he had told me sooner I might not have even put the red in it at all and just left the bleached blonde tips of my hair. Or possibly even not done it at all so that I wouldn’t stand out!
That was kind of the fucking point. Fucktard.
By about 1830 I finished up doing my hair and got dressed up to go out to meet up with The Ab Fab Girls for dinner at an Indian restaurant just outside of the night life district at 1930. Of course, as expected…I colour coordinated myself and with my red hair as the main feature…I wore similarly coloured / themed clothing (yes…I even wore red underwear…not that anyone noticed) and my light up belt with various (dirty) phrases on it. People DID noticed that though.
Anyway…the food was pretty good but a bit too pricey for my liking. The other Indian restaurant that we had gone to in the night life district was just as good and cost a little bit less. Having said that though…there was definitely a lot of food and the amount of spices they had in them were about right for my liking.
By the time we finished dinner and catching up with each other it was about 2145. The Matrix had previously invited me to meet up with him at the Asian themed club on the West side of the metropolis so myself and the Ab Fab Girls went to meet him there. He was there for a party so after saying hello to everyone, Patsy and I danced in the middle of the floor.
That’s right…both of us…sober, danced to the music and had a blast.
Admittedly, it took me a little while to readjust the pathways in my brain so that I was able to be a little more…”social and friendly” but I’m learning how to adjust the levels of chemicals and their reactions in my brain.
I’m learning to adjust the levels of serotonin and endorphins that are produced in my brain…and based on the experience last night…I think the hot spices in the Indian dinner may possibly have been a contributing factor. I’ve read that chilli (when ingested) is able to produce the same sort of euphoria as some of those 'happy pills' that get manufactured.
I could hardly believe that I was having a great time and sober. I could hardly believe that Patsy wasn’t drinking and still having a good time dancing it up like we used to when we’d go out and get drunk…only this time…we were sober…and still having a great time none-the-less.
As we walked out of the club…there was a CCTV camera pole just a short distance away. I remembered how much fun I used to have with Patsy and Eddie when I used to drink and I guess I wanted to test myself to see if I could still have the same sort of fun being sober so yeah…I guess I was still on a massive high and so I went over and did my thing.
I managed to do a few swings and spins on the pole that was holding up the CCTV camera. I was sober…but my god…I felt like I had been drinking only I hadn’t. I was higher than a fucking kite and loved every second of it.
Admittedly, the CCTV camera pole is a bit thicker than regulation pole dancing poles…but I still gave it a shot anyway…for old times sake. I did say that I’d (pole) dance again…and I did. Sober.
I was on such a high as I went back to my car. I felt invincible (and it’s probably because I am) but as the night drew to a close…I was feeling greater than I had felt in a very long time. I danced (or at least gave it my best attempt at it) sober at the club, I pole danced out the front of the club alongside the busy street and I guess I’ve found a new drug to get high off when I go out partying.
It’s called: Life…and I’m my own supplier.
--------------------
So here I am sitting outside in the backyard in the (relatively) early hours of a Sunday morning enjoying the cool morning breeze and watching the sun come up. I still might not know what my purpose is or what Karma has in store for me…but I guess at this point in time, I’m realising that instead of hating my life for not being able to find any love or happiness…I should be thankful that Karma has given me what little I have.
I know Karma is looking out for me and when the time is right…my purpose will be served. Then I’ll finally get to have some redemption and be worthy of some happiness. In the mean time…all I can do is continue to fight. Only…no one said I couldn’t have fun along the way.
In recent days I’ve been so caught up in my own misery and I guess I’ve needed Karma (in her own special way) to show me how fragile and volatile the world (and life in general) really is. Lets just say that I’ve had a bit of a revelation that's chenged my perspective. I’ve been so caught up being bitter in the fact that I don’t have any comprehension of happiness or love because of what I am.
After some time I realised that I don’t want any happiness or love. All I really want…is understanding. Someone that is able to understand the workings of my fucked up mind. If I could find someone that was capable of doing that…they would have my loyalty for all of eternity…except here I was bemoaning about the fact that I would never get that opportunity and was just generally being a Bindi.
After my recent revelation…I realise that I haven’t even made any attempts to understand anyone else. I remember a saying from primary school that: “you should be the sort of friend that you want to have.” I don’t fully understand the concept of friendship or what it exactly entails…but I think understanding other people is probably the first step towards understanding this whole concept of “friendship”…which is probably a good starting point as any.
And don’t go thinking that I’m getting all…human or anything equally as pathetic like that because I’m totally not.
I mean, c’mon…I have some dignity.
Well…perhaps a little less dignity after pole dancing with the CCTV camera pole in public…but that’s really not the point here.
--------------------
On Thursday, I seem to have picked up a new bitch boy. Well…not so much as in picked up…but more along the lines of…added another one to the collection. Maybe it’s just me and my warped interpretations but (J) from gymnastics seems to be drawn to me more and more (or maybe I’m just being hopeful). Despite the fact that he’s only about 14 [and obviously jail-bait]…the fact that (I think) he admires me is something that’s definitely of interest to me.
I don’t exactly know why he admires me or for what reasons because he’s better at gymnastics at I am and he keeps coming over to me to give me advice on how to do the different flips and jumps that I seem to have a problem doing.
Maybe I’m just completely misinterpreting things but I catch glimpses of him looking at me and when I take a break and when I rest out on the side of the gym he comes and sits near me and talks to me about random things just to have a conversation with me.
I’m almost certain that he looks at me with admiration because it’s the same look(s) that I give The Traceour (except I’m not jail-bait)…and the Traceour is really good at Parkour…I, on the other hand, am not really good at anything so that’s where I’m having some difficulty in understanding why it could be admiration.
In other news, The Raver has given me his portable hard drive that’s full of rave music and movies. He has trusted me with his portable hard drive! He’s trusted me!!! He’s trusted me with the contents of what forms a large part of his music collection!!! I was shocked when he gave it to me but honoured at the same time. He trusts me!!!
I’ve had a look through the music and as expected…it’s the dance / trance / rave music that I love. The movies that he’s got on his hard drive are also the sort of movies that I like. Obviously there are a few mainstream movies on there...but there are a few that are pretty much the exact type of movies that I like.
Namely…those that don’t necessarily finish with a happy or concluded ending. I’ve managed to watch a couple of the more obscure movies: Requiem for a Dream, The Number 23 and Pi. They’re interesting movies and I’d definitely recommend them to people who don’t mind thinking a little bit while their watching a movie.
--------------------
On Friday, I was sent an email by one of the other researchers that I hadn’t heard from a while who then called me a little bit after she had sent the email to make sure that I checked it. She firstly called me up to have a bit of a gossip session about the (very public) events that were going on at The Centre and the underlying factors that weren’t reported in the newspaper.
The purpose of her phone call to me though, was to let me know about a job that had just been advertised and that she thought I would be more than suitable for. I’ve had a look at the job description and even though I’d be both suitable and qualified…I think it’s a bit beyond my capabilities. The job does pay a crap load more than my current job and definitely has more prestige (not to mention power) but I don’t know if I’m capable of doing it.
Regardless, I’m still going to apply for it. There’s no harm in applying for it and I think I’ve got what it takes to at least get an interview.
--------------------
I spent pretty much all of Saturday changing my hair colour, reviewing and modifying my resume, working on my job application, watching a few movies on The Raver’s portable hard drive and playing some more of X-Men Legends 2: Rise of The Apocolypse (I love Cyclops). Basically…I spent the whole day being unproductive…which was a HUGE change to my (usually extremely busy) schedule.
Anyway, I basically spent most of the day bleaching my hair making it almost white…then adding the bright red to it. Surprisingly, my minions didn’t even bat an eyelid this time. My minion (father) only made the single comment “Can’t grow up can you?” to which I didn’t reply…and my minion (mother) only walked past me while I was in the bathroom and told me to use the old towels (the one with the black hair dye in it) once I had finished.
I found this to be both odd…yet intriguing. My minion (brother) on the other hand seems to have a complete dislike for it (not to mention, me) because it makes me “stand out” and that “people will look at you”.
If only he had told me sooner! Then I might not have spent all fucking day bleaching my hair so that when I put the red in it, it wouldn’t show up as bright as chemically posible! Maybe if he had told me sooner I might not have even put the red in it at all and just left the bleached blonde tips of my hair. Or possibly even not done it at all so that I wouldn’t stand out!
That was kind of the fucking point. Fucktard.
By about 1830 I finished up doing my hair and got dressed up to go out to meet up with The Ab Fab Girls for dinner at an Indian restaurant just outside of the night life district at 1930. Of course, as expected…I colour coordinated myself and with my red hair as the main feature…I wore similarly coloured / themed clothing (yes…I even wore red underwear…not that anyone noticed) and my light up belt with various (dirty) phrases on it. People DID noticed that though.
Anyway…the food was pretty good but a bit too pricey for my liking. The other Indian restaurant that we had gone to in the night life district was just as good and cost a little bit less. Having said that though…there was definitely a lot of food and the amount of spices they had in them were about right for my liking.
By the time we finished dinner and catching up with each other it was about 2145. The Matrix had previously invited me to meet up with him at the Asian themed club on the West side of the metropolis so myself and the Ab Fab Girls went to meet him there. He was there for a party so after saying hello to everyone, Patsy and I danced in the middle of the floor.
That’s right…both of us…sober, danced to the music and had a blast.
Admittedly, it took me a little while to readjust the pathways in my brain so that I was able to be a little more…”social and friendly” but I’m learning how to adjust the levels of chemicals and their reactions in my brain.
I’m learning to adjust the levels of serotonin and endorphins that are produced in my brain…and based on the experience last night…I think the hot spices in the Indian dinner may possibly have been a contributing factor. I’ve read that chilli (when ingested) is able to produce the same sort of euphoria as some of those 'happy pills' that get manufactured.
I could hardly believe that I was having a great time and sober. I could hardly believe that Patsy wasn’t drinking and still having a good time dancing it up like we used to when we’d go out and get drunk…only this time…we were sober…and still having a great time none-the-less.
As we walked out of the club…there was a CCTV camera pole just a short distance away. I remembered how much fun I used to have with Patsy and Eddie when I used to drink and I guess I wanted to test myself to see if I could still have the same sort of fun being sober so yeah…I guess I was still on a massive high and so I went over and did my thing.
I managed to do a few swings and spins on the pole that was holding up the CCTV camera. I was sober…but my god…I felt like I had been drinking only I hadn’t. I was higher than a fucking kite and loved every second of it.
Admittedly, the CCTV camera pole is a bit thicker than regulation pole dancing poles…but I still gave it a shot anyway…for old times sake. I did say that I’d (pole) dance again…and I did. Sober.
I was on such a high as I went back to my car. I felt invincible (and it’s probably because I am) but as the night drew to a close…I was feeling greater than I had felt in a very long time. I danced (or at least gave it my best attempt at it) sober at the club, I pole danced out the front of the club alongside the busy street and I guess I’ve found a new drug to get high off when I go out partying.
It’s called: Life…and I’m my own supplier.
--------------------
So here I am sitting outside in the backyard in the (relatively) early hours of a Sunday morning enjoying the cool morning breeze and watching the sun come up. I still might not know what my purpose is or what Karma has in store for me…but I guess at this point in time, I’m realising that instead of hating my life for not being able to find any love or happiness…I should be thankful that Karma has given me what little I have.
I know Karma is looking out for me and when the time is right…my purpose will be served. Then I’ll finally get to have some redemption and be worthy of some happiness. In the mean time…all I can do is continue to fight. Only…no one said I couldn’t have fun along the way.
In recent days I’ve been so caught up in my own misery and I guess I’ve needed Karma (in her own special way) to show me how fragile and volatile the world (and life in general) really is. Lets just say that I’ve had a bit of a revelation that's chenged my perspective. I’ve been so caught up being bitter in the fact that I don’t have any comprehension of happiness or love because of what I am.
After some time I realised that I don’t want any happiness or love. All I really want…is understanding. Someone that is able to understand the workings of my fucked up mind. If I could find someone that was capable of doing that…they would have my loyalty for all of eternity…except here I was bemoaning about the fact that I would never get that opportunity and was just generally being a Bindi.
After my recent revelation…I realise that I haven’t even made any attempts to understand anyone else. I remember a saying from primary school that: “you should be the sort of friend that you want to have.” I don’t fully understand the concept of friendship or what it exactly entails…but I think understanding other people is probably the first step towards understanding this whole concept of “friendship”…which is probably a good starting point as any.
And don’t go thinking that I’m getting all…human or anything equally as pathetic like that because I’m totally not.
I mean, c’mon…I have some dignity.
Well…perhaps a little less dignity after pole dancing with the CCTV camera pole in public…but that’s really not the point here.
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside
Devil's Winamp: The Killers - Mr Brightside
Devil's Mood : Content / Thankful / Centred / Focused
Character Profile
[The Raver]
- Obviously…has a love of rave music.
- Took me to my first rave and subsequently popped my raving cherry.
- Has very similar tastes in relation to music and movies as I do.
- Can be as sarcastic and bitchy as I am and has the same sort of humour as I do.
- Is an amazing floor gymnast.
posted by Devil's Advocate at 3.2.08
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