Open My Eyes. Saltwater Rain

The last few days have been a blur...not for any good or bad reason...but just because they've been busy.

I'm not going to blog every details and every event because too much time has lapsed and right now...I'm not feeling in the best of moods to share anything.

Last night I was given the opportunity to watch an episode of Naruto which is an anime series that, in a nutshell, is based on a guy who has a, what you could destroyer demon spirit inside him. It was about his story...and how he tried to cope with that and I guess it's got a theme of redemption to it.

I didn't think anything of it at the time...but I realise now that there was a lot in common. Over the last few days...I've had the opportunity to make people happy in one way or other...but it's only temporary...and they usually end up unhappier than if had never made them happy in the first place.

Sometimes I think that I'm helping...except I only end up making them worse for everyone around them. I end up destroying everyone and everything around me.

I don't know what to think about anything right now and my stomach is all tied up in knots. Even my hands are shaking and I feel like I want to cry...but then, Devil's don't cry.

Objectively assessing these psychosomatic indicators...I'm displaying classic symptoms of shock.

Things were so much easier when I didn't give a shit about anyone else.

Things were so much easier when I was on my own.

Things were so much easier when I didn't care.

I don't know when I became so human...but I know things have to change...or I risk losing what little I have.

Even so...I still choose to do what I do. I can't change the Devil I am. I will always save those that are worthy of my loyalty. Regardless of circumstances.

I carry the burden of the world on my shoulders every day because I have to. Someone has to. The burden of others...for the select few that have become worthy of my loyalty...I will carry their burden because I choose to. There is a difference and the difference is my willingness to accept the burden of those select few.

I accept my fate...my burden...like that of Atlas...and I do so with open arms.

Devil's Winamp: Chicane - Salt Water
Devil's Mood : Cold / Sick / Shaken / Supporting / Embracing

No Pain Inside, You’re Like Perfection. But How Do I Feel This Good Sober?

So another year has lapsed on The Devil show (that's now 3 years in total) and it’s time for that special episode when we recap over everything that’s happened. How would we do this? Well…there’s only one way TO do such a thing.

And to show us a passage of time,
We’re gonna need a montage (montage)
Oh it takes a montage (montage)

As much as I hate to say this…I feel as if I’ve become more “human”. I’ve been learning to try and ‘exist’ and just be. It’s been a major shift in my own mentality and I’m still trying to adjust to that. The month of January was pretty much spent coming to terms with these fragments of Devilish humanity and there’s been moments when I’ve felt like I was actually human for a brief moment in time.

The majority of February was spent attempting to gain some balance with Karma and since then, things have been relatively stable. I think this was also largely in part because of me breaking / replacing my alcohol addiction. The month of March marked the one year anniversary of breaking my alcohol addiction and the inclusion of what has now been referred to as “Nando’s Night”. Now that I look back in hindsight on the events of that time…it feels like “Nando’s Night” is my ‘reflection’ night and Karma’s gift to me for making it through my days of alcohol addiction.

The month of April pretty much involved developments at the climbing gym and maintaining my Karmic balance which for some reason was interfering with my work at the satellite office. I guess my role within the climbing environment was somewhat solidified and my organisation of an inaugural climbers social night contributed towards that. Being a ‘leader’ is stressful, I won’t deny that and monitoring the morale and politics of the climbers is difficult work. That and the fact that the other climbers have expectations of you…and you’re climbing abilities (or lack there of) come under a lot more scrutiny and the climbing reputation that you have…takes a lot of work to maintain.

Show a lot of things happening at once,
Remind everyone of what’s going on (what’s going on?)
And with every shot you show a little improvement
To show it all would take too long
That’s called a montage (montage)
Oh we want a montage (montage)

May saw me starting the Gym Instructors course with The Dynamo and I’m glad that I got to do the course with him. The only issue that I really had with getting my Gym Instructors qualification was that I didn’t fit in with the rest of the class. Everyone there was (as you’d expect) extremely good looking, fit, muscular, toned, defined and could have just as easily walked into a modelling class as opposed to a Gym Instructors course. I was the only one that didn’t have those characteristics and for the entirety of the course…I was pretty much an outcast (just like high school).

I tried to change things and also started working out at the gym at the satellite office but as yet I don’t have any visible results to show for it. I’m still gross and I’m still ugly…but maybe possibly my strength has increased. Unfortunately, looking gross and ugly doesn’t really work to your advantage when you’re a gym instructor or a personal trainer.

In June I finished the gym instructors course, went to my first social dance event and had my first taste of learning aerial silks. It was then that I got the idea in my head about joining the circus and since then…I guess it’s been something at the back of my mind. Getting that taste of an aerial silks routine fuelled a fire inside me to join the circus and that’s probably when my altruistic desire to perform to make people happy started to emerge. I’m not happy about that realisation either.

And anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro,
You need a montage (montage)
Even Rocky had a montage (montage)

July saw Devil take a bit of a dive / flat-spin and it was mostly due to major changes in power at SETEC, The Centre and at the satellite office. The most significant thing for me that occurred in July was that The Dentist gave me a few Cirque Du Soleil soundtracks which I guess helped fuel the fires and allowed me to maintain my interest in trying to join the national circus school.

During August I spent a considerable amount of time with both The Matrix and The Dentist. It’s probably for that reason why I started become so “human” which is obviously an issue to my further devil development. Other than that…giving The Matrix his birthday present which involved me turning the rules that he established against himself. I still think it was clever that I did that.

In September I finished the Personal Training course and despite still not having finished the assignments (yet) I hated every second of that class. I didn’t fit in at all with them and it’s quite apparent when you’re the ugliest person in a classroom full of good looking, attractive people. September was also when things started to change at the climbing gym…and I’m talking personalities. The Belayer got himself a girlfriend and since then…things have been different. His climbing abilities have decreased…and well…his attention and focus has been diverted elsewhere. I’m not one to jump to conclusions (ok…so maybe I am) but I’d say that the time spent with his girlfriend is inversely proportional to his climbing abilities.

I got (yet) another job as a swimming instructor in October and did some work experience as a gym instructor. As it turns out…I enjoyed doing both but in retrospect, I’m glad I took the path of a swimming instructor. It pays about the same but I feel a greater sense of fulfilment from teaching the kids despite my considerable lack of patience. As it turns out my “disciplined” methods (no, I’m not talking about systematic spankings despite what all my readers a couple of sick readers may think…you know who you are) appeals to the parents because their child is actually doing they’ve paid for them to do…and as everyone knows…people part with money a lot easier when they’re happy.

November was the month that Karma finally gave me some closure. November was the month I went back to THAT club…and finally managed to slay a demon that’s been haunting me. For once…in a very long time…I felt a sense of both pride and relief in what I had done by slaying that demon that had been with me. It felt like I had finally released a burden from my shoulders…and in return…The Universe gave me a few more people that became worthy / about to become worthy of their own character profiles.

December…well…it’s still going and looking back over the year…I think things are only just beginning.

Always fade out in a montage,
If you fade out, it seems like more time
Has passed in a montage,
Montage.

Devil's Winamp: Pink - Sober
Devil's Mood : Reminiscent

In This Town There Is Much More Than A Circus Giving What They Look For. Unconsciously People Are Drawn To Things That Feel Strong

In recent days...a number of things have become clearly apparent to Devil. A number of things that He never really took much notice of...but it would seem that a few things have occurred that have given him a new perspective.

With Christmas fast approaching (not that I give a shit) I've been given Christmas presents which isn't exactly something I'm used to. The Jailbait gave me a present...and so did a couple of the students that I teach martial arts to...as well as the swimming centre.

Admittedly, the presents weren't all that significant (unlike a certain Cirque Du Soleil ticket!!!) and consisted of (1) a small box of chocolate pretzels...1/2 kg of M&Ms...and 2 x movie tickets (respectively). This has been in addition to my secret santa presents from work where I got chalk balls (for climbing), some rope (for my weekends), and a Lynx pack (because I cycle to and from work and use the gym a lot and my locker has been smelling a little bit...um...'masculine').

Now...the fact that I actually GOT presents was something that I wasn't entirely understanding of...but the fact that people that I had been extremely kinda mean to over the course of the year were the ones that gave me the presents. Well except the swimming centre.

The other day at work, one of the low level administrative assistants / trainees who had been working in our office for the last 3 weeks commented on the fact that he would do anything to get a job like mine (and yes...the hypothetical concept of "anything" was discussed at some length. Shut up).

It was then I realised that I've had my perspective wrong to begin with. My job...as much as I hate it sometimes...is something HIGHLY sought after and as one of only 12 specialist researchers within the state...the opportunities for a job like that to come up are almost non-existient and hearing people talk about how 'prestegious' it is makes me think that I'm lucky to have the job...and I'm even luckier to be able to be an arrogant prick to people because of it.

That thought then flowed onto other thoughts. Thoughts about the things I've done...the things I'm doing...and the things I'm trying to do. The people around me are different now. They're not the same people I surrounded myself with before. I'm trying to be a better Devil. A Devil with integrity and depsite my tendancy to be arrogant towards people...they still seem to be drawn to me. Like a magnet.

The people I'm surrounded with now...they're desperate for my time. The Protege, The Matrix, The Raver, The Stuntman, The Crew, Eddie...even though I may not be improving on anything...people still want to be around me and I honestly don't understand why. They seem to be somewhat...addicted(?) to me and are wanting to spend more and more time with me...which isn't a bad thing...it's just the withdrawls and separation anxiety that I'm learning to deal with now.

It's quite ironic that after spending so long deaing with my own addiction / withdrawl issues...that I'm now responsible for creating them. I'm still learning how to deal with all of this and despite being a complete and utter asshole and acting like an arrogant prick...people seem more and more inclined to want to spend more time with me...and when they do...they can't seem to get enough.

And I don't understand why that is exactly. It can't be because of my looks, my personality or my money because I don't have any of those. It could be because of my Tapis Rouge Cirque ticket...but they won't be getting that. Ever!

Devil's Winamp: Cirque Du Soleil - Love Leaves Someone Behind
Devil's Mood : Curious / Unsure / Inquisitive / Cautious / Analytical

Take Away The Sensation Inside. Bitter Sweet Migraine In My Head. Its Like A Throbbing Toothache Of The Mind. I Can't Take This Feeling Anymore

Devil is not in the best head space right now.

Tonight was the last for gymnastics and it was apparent that everyone had improved over the course of the year...except me...but that's to be expected.

I've spent almost the last year and a half trying to do the SAME fucking tricks and I still cant' do them. The Raver...The Stuntman...and especially The Jailbait...even my fuckhead minion (brother) are ALL improving and learning new tricks every week.

Me...I'm still stuck on the fucking basics. STILL. After almost a year and a half...STILL trying to do the most basic of drills whilst everyone else is jumping higher, spinning faster and doing more.

I thought I was progressing...but today's class proved that all the time I've spent TRYING to do things has effectively been worthless. I don't think anyone really realised how shit I was feeling because they were all celebrating doing their really awesome new tricks. I was on my own for most of the night because I wasn't good enough to have anything to celebrate.

On the drive home...all I could think about was how pathetic I was...and how pathetic I looked in front of everyone else STILL trying to do basic skills that they were able to do in half an hour.

I wanted to cry...but Devil's don't cry. Instead I just took it all and turned it into hate. Hate for myself. Hate for what I am...and hate for what I could never be.

Every light pole I drove past...I wondered to myself what it would be like to run into it at 80km/h...head on...but then I'm too much of a coward to find out.

Yet again.

Pathetic.

Right now...I'm hungry...but I don't feel like eating.

Or maybe I feel like eating...but I'm not hungry.

Either way...the thought of eating makes me sick to the stomach.

I just want some oblivion right now. More than anything else.

Devil's Winamp: Green Day - Give Me Novacaine
Devil's Mood : Pathetic / Disgusted / Sickened

Alegria. I See A Spark Of Life Shining. Alegria

“When The Devil pulls the strings, all the world must dance.” – The Devil’s Circus (1926)

[Play me]

Saturday

In the morning, I work up at 0630, went to swimming at 0700 as usual then headed over to the other pool where I teach. I know I’ve said this in previous blogs but I really like teaching these kids. Their enthusiasm and effort continuously amazes me. Even though they might not (yet) be able to perform the skills that I’m teaching, they’re learning…their eagerness to try (and keep trying) inspires me…and in a way the teacher has become the student.

These kids, even though they may not be able to swim the best, they still try. They’re persistent little shits and any adult that would have tried to learn how to swim would have given up long ago. These kids…It is better to practice…learn…and try and even though they might swallow a lot of water along the way…they’re still giving it their best shot and every lesson…I’m seeing them improve. Their persistence and enthusiasm is inspiring and I guess…in a way…I’m learning from that.

I honestly love teaching these kids and as physically exhausting as it is…I actually quite like hearing about their stupid stories of how their cat was eating some cheese or how their brother was sitting on their face or that their teacher farted in class. I think teaching these kids has given me an appreciation for the simpler things in life. The things that you walk by…the things you wouldn’t give a second thought to…the things you’d never see. It’s these things that you need to look for. It’s these things that you need to seek out.

After the swimming lessons were over I went to The Matrix’s apartment to join him for a run, a brief personal training session and then went out for a bit of Christmas shopping. After the shopping I finally got to relax for a bit and play my PSP. I bought Gods of War a little while ago but I haven’t had a chance to play it but being at The Matrix’s place…I feel I’ve got a time-space anomaly where everything else outside doesn’t exist and time just stops.

When The Dentist finished work we went out and got our traditional Nando’s Night meals and watched Batman: The Dark Knight…except I’ve not increased my intake to a Nando’s wrap some chips…and a ¼ chicken. Yes I was hungry…and I don’t think I’d have too much difficulty finishing off a half chicken. Considering that I had had a full on physically active day…I don’t think that food intake was all that much. Oh…and I had a TINY bit of ice-cream too.

The Matrix also gave me a Christmas / Birthday / Whatever present that both himself and The Dentist had been planning for me. It was a ticket to Cirque Du Soleil. Drallion…in the Tapis Rouge. A front row seat…to watch Ciruqe Du Soleil. The best of the best of the world’s performers…and go backstage during intermission and meet the actual performers. The very people I’ve dreamed of being like. I. Was. Shocked.

I’m still shock now actually and I must have sat there on the couch staring at the ticket for at least 20 – 30 minutes. I can’t believe that they did that and went and got me something like that. Something so expensive…yet impractical. Something so amazing…yet so undeserved. I would never have dreamed that anyone would have given me a present like this. Something so…well…to be quite honest I was quite literally shaken by it all. It didn’t feel right for them to have given something so…extraordinary…to someone like me. I didn’t feel right about being given something so incredible but The Matrix insisted…and made me promise not to give the ticket away and that I would go to see it.

There is nothing that I could possibly offer them in return for this present except my loyalty and my life…but that can’t even compare to the enormity of what they’ve given me. I still can’t believe they got me a ticket to go and watch Cirque. I still feel like it’s all a dream. I left The Matrix’s apartment at about 2330. As much as I would have loved to have crashed the night because I was completely exhausted…I needed to wake up early to prepare for another big day.

Sunday

In the morning, I had the end of year show with the kids that I’ve been teaching martial arts. I never realised how much pressure was involved when you’re the one organising the performance. I’ve got a new appreciation for my martial arts instructor and the performances that he organises. It can’t be easy…and this show was small in comparison. It all went well (as if it wouldn’t) and afterwards I was invited out to lunch by a number of the important representatives that were there at the show. Because of my role as an instructor at the school, I was obligated to go…but then…I’m hardly going to turn down a free dim-sum lunch. Who in their right mind would?

After lunch I went to my own martial arts training (for a while) but finished early because I had to head off to Christmas party (the first of many apparently). The fist party was being held out in the hills, East of the metropolis by one of the girls that I had met when I first started swing dancing. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her (and the others) but it was good to catch up even for a little while at her pool party. I wasn’t able to stay long (and I didn’t swim) because I had to get to another Christmas party.

This Christmas party was being held at THAT club by my current dance school and after much deliberation, I decided to wear that red shirt made me feel fat, a pair of bright red jeans and my red converse shoes. Oh…and I was wearing a Santa hat too. I was trying to dress like Santa’s Helper…but considering where the party was being held…I looked more like Santa’s naughty Boy Toy who got to sit on his lap just for the hell of it.

Anyways…my outfit won me 2nd prize for best outfit for the night. One of the instructors said that I looked like a pixie and one of the other instructors said that the shirt looked hot. Maybe red is a good colour for me. On top of all the non-stop dancing…winning second prize was quite the highlight of the night for me. I didn’t really go to much effort to dress up…but everyone thought it was awesome so yay for me I guess. I ended up getting back to The Underworld at about 2300.

And so ends another massive, full on, jam packed, physically demanding, interesting, wild, surprising, fun, social and above all…interesting and educating weekends I’ve ever had…and I enjoyed every moment of it.

Alegria –
Language Origin: Spanish
Definition: a mood or state of mind. Joy / jubilation.

Even though I don’t know what the purpose of my life is…or if I even have one…at this point in time…after the weekend…I feel like I’m happy to be living life as it is…with or without a purpose.

And I still can’t believe they got me a ticket to go and watch Cirque.

Devil's Winamp: Cirque Du Soleil - Alegria
Devil's Mood : Alegria

Never Thought The Day Would Come When I'd See My Reflection Smiling Right Back At Me. It's Been A While Since I've Been Happy

Devil is fucking tired at the moment...but it's been well worth it. It's been a regular weekend where He's gone out...partied...and attended more social events in one night than some people could month.

On Saturday morning, I work up at 0630 like I normally do, and went swimming at about 0700. At 0800 I finished up and headed over to the other pools were I started teaching at 0830.

I know it goes against everything that I stand for...but I love teaching these kids how to swim. They're between the ages of 5 and 12 and they're all just so...I don't know how to put it into words. There are good kids...and there are bad kids and I like dealing with them all. I like the ones that tell me useless stories about what they did at school and just won't just up. I like the ones that are scared to even look at me and cry when I call out their name. I like the ones that won't listen and piss me off and I like the ones that do exactly what I tell them to do. Plus I get to hold them underwater "encourage submersion techniques"

After teaching, I got home at about 1200...had something quickly to eat then headed to the train station to catch the train into the city where I was meeting up with The Protege at 1330. I actually don't mind public transport so much now because I don't need to use it every day (and it was the weekend as well) but it actually gave me time to work on my Personal Training journal and organise my weekly workouts that would otherwise impose on my time.

Our first stop was the piercing place so that he could get a few more additions for his eyebrow piercings. Unfortunately for the both of us...the girl that was working there last week was working there again this week...and recognised us...and yeah...well the fact that we were there together AGAIN really didn't help us all that much so you can imagine how the conversation in the piercing place took a dive after the two of us walked in.

From there we walked a few blocks to the nearby Harbour Town to do some shopping. The first thing we did when we got there was get a fruit smoothie. The Protege got the same flavour smoothie as me.

We then went looking in clothing stores and I have to admit, I was quite surprised with some of the The Protege's fashion choices (and I don't mean that in the bad way either). He's definitely got his own style but for a tradesman...he's got a lot of class when it comes to clothing and he knows what looks good. We browsed around for a while and bought a couple of t-shirts at one of the stores. The Protege got a simliar t-shirt to me.

After we browsed through the other shops a bit more, we then headed a back to the centre of the metropolis and headed our separate ways. By this time it was about 1600 and on the way back to The Underworld I stopped off at the bakery at the nearby shopping centre to pick up some dessert for the Christmas BBQ that I was attending that night. By the time I arrived back at the Underworld it was about 1630 and I still had to have a shower and get dressed before trying to get to the BBQ by 1800.

Anyway...after a quick shower, I had planned on wearing a red shirt that I hadn't worn since earlier this year (possibly around March). It didn't fit...and I was DEVESTATED! I've become fatter since March and and the shirt that I tried to wear was now WAY too tight and I almost wanted to cry. It was a REALLY nice shirt and it was a tailored fit...and now...it makes me look disgustingly fat. It took me another 45 minutes to put together another outfit that I was happy with and that didn't make me look like a fat disgusting cow.

I arrived at the BBQ at about 1845 and it was being held by the fitness instructor and her fiance that I've become friends with over the year. Due to time constraints though, I was only able to stay for a couple of hours before heading into The Nightlife district to meet up with The Protege (again) and a few other climbers before jumping from club to club. Over the course of the night we were able to go to a couple of clubs before the majority of the other climbers went home and The Protege and I were the only ones left.

By about midnight we had been to a total of 5 clubs and were getting hungry so we headed over to The Moon for some of their Nachos (mental note: The Moon Nachos is enough to feed 3 people!). At about 0045, The Protege caught a taxi home and I went back to one of the night clubs to meet up with The Crew.

One of The Crew members is going away overseas over Christmas and New Year's so they had decided to meet up at one of the nightclubs. My fuck-head minion (brother) had initially asked me if I was going out to meet up with them but when I told him that I was already going out to another party before hand and that he'd have to make his own way there...he said he couldn't be bothered going out that late at night. Funnily enough...The Crew couldn't be bothered caring where he was at and to be quite honest...the fact that he's isolating himself from The Crew makes things a lot easier for me because he's not that well liked amongst The Crew to begin with.

At about 0200, The Crew left that club to head to another one a couple of blocks away. I walked with them to the club to make sure they got there ok but I didn't actually go in. By the time I got back to The Underworld it was about 0300 and I managed to sleep in until about 1030 on the Sunday morning before I had to get up to teach the fat kids at 1200 and go off for my own training.

I'm so fucking tried right now...but you know what...I wouldn't want to change that for anything.

Even though my fuck-head minion (brother) is being a total fuck-wit (as if he could be anything else) and the religiousness of Christmas is fast approaching and I'm feeling tired right now, I feel like I'm ready and stronger than I ever have before. I feel like even in my current tired state...I could take on the world because I've got me some serious new amour...I'm balanced...and I think I'm happy...or at the very least I'm looking for something / anything to try out this new armour on.

I'm feeling fucking invincible!!

Devil's Winamp: Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Alive
Devil's Mood : Content / Calm / (Happy)

---

Character Profile

[The Protege]

• Was not acknowledge by me as a climber or a member of the climbing group until almost 4 months of climbing on his own.
• Was taught a large majority of his climbing technique by The Belayer.
• Was almost killed the first time he went outdoor climbing with The Belayer because he was too "green."
  
• Has been compared to me (as a climber) by others, in relation to his dedication to climbing and the climbing group...and the fact that he attends the climbing gym almost every day.
  
• Has filled a large part of the void that has been left by The Belayer since his recent involvement in a relationship.

My Inspiration Has Run Dry. That's Whats Going On, Nothings Right, Im Torn

Lately...things have been building....and Devil is torn.

I'm torn between doing what I think is right...and what I feel is right. I'm not going to go into the details...but things have been building for a while...and I'm torn between both sides.

If I do what I think is right...then I risk hurting a lot of people...but at the same time...I'd be upholding my own integrity that I've tried to maintain.

If I do what I feel is right then I'll be saving a lot of people pain and misery...but I'll lose the reputation that I've spent so long on building up.

This has been playing on my mind for some time now and it's messing me up inside. What I think is right...and what I feel is right are not in alignment and I'm torn. I can either destory myself to save others...or inflict hurt on other people and save myself.

There has to be another option...but I'm having trouble finding it.

Meanwhile...life in The Underworld have taken a turn for the worse (if that were possible) and the biggest contributing factor is my fuckhead of a minion (brother). It's as if he's been making it his life's mission to make my life miserable for what reason...I don't know. I'm torn because I could just as easily do the same to him...except on a much grander scale.

His trans-gender-mail-order-bride has now gone back home to whatever cave she came from and his continual nightly phone calls with her all have the hallmarks of a "lovey-dovey" relationship and they both seem happy with that. I've kept my distance and not interfered at all...yet. As it so happens...I've acquired a photo of him...out with another girl...and her admission that they were out...while his trans-gender-mail-order-bride was back in her hole. Interesting that.

I've had it for some time now and I don't know if I should broadcast (to either my fuckhead minion (brother) or to his trans-gender-mail-order-bride) the fact that I have it. I'm sure it would make a great cover of a Christmas card. I'm torn in respect to this. If I broadcast it...and let everyone know about it's existence...then does that make me a better? I don't think so. It just makes me no better than the fuckhead he is...and that's not the Devil I want to be.

It saddens me a little when things like this happen. Especially after watching The Boondock Saints. I sometimes wish I had a relationship like that with my brother(s) but I guess by both of them hating me has enabled them to have that bond with each other and my minion (parents).

Devil's Winamp: Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
Devil's Mood : Torn / Saddened