How Did You Know To Get Out Of A World Gone Mad? Help Me! Help Me Let Go! Of The Chaos Around Me. The Devil That Hounds Me. I Need You To Tell Me

So once again, it's that time again when The Universe opens up and unleashes it's brutality on Devil despite everything that He's worked so hard to try and achieve.

Motorcycle's in the parking lot.
Revving their engines and it just wont stop.
Matches the noise screaming in my head.
Houston I think we got a problem.

In recent days it's become more and more apparent that I'm not good at anything. It's one thing to be filled with self doubt with things like that...it's another for other people to remove all doubt and confirm it for you. It's not exactly a great feeling I can assure you.

There were several circumstances that led me to this conclusion but it's become apparent that all the things I do...I'm no good at any of them. I'm just "average"....if I put in 110% effort. Nothing has ever come easy and despite the impression that I try to give, no one actually witnesses the hard work, time and energy in trying to get whatever achievement I can make...which is negligible in comparison to anyone else.

Where does everybody go when they go?
They go so fast I don't think they know.
We hate so fast and we love too slow.
London I think we got a problem.

In a way, it's a sick achievement for me to actually wake up in the morning because there's been many a night when I've contemplated taking measures so that I don't. I honestly don't know why I even try to do the things I do. All the activities...I never thought I was that good at any of them and as it turns out, there are other people that agree with that statement.

It's like my attempt to lose weight. What a failure I am at that. One of the girls at work who's been away on sick leave (for the last 3 months) due to a knee operation came back to work today and the first thing she said to me is that I looked like I had gained weight and gotten fatter. After all the blood and sweat that I've lost in the gym, not to mention everything else I've been trying to do...I've gotten fatter. I've been trying to stick to a diet for a fair while now (at least the last 3 months) but obviously that's not been going according to what I thought was happening in my head.

When she said that to me, it literally made me feel sick. Not because of anything I ate but because it felt like, after all this time and after all this effort that I've put in to TRYING to change my body for the better...it's been going in the opposite direction and making things worse than what I started with. Some personal trainer I turned out to be.

And when I think about it.
I just can't think about it.
I try to drink about it.
I keep spinning.

This is why I never fit in with the other personal trainers on the course and it's the same reason why I could never be successful as a personal trainer. Who would want a personal trainer who couldn't even do to himself what he's trying to do to other people. What a fitness hypocrite I turned out to be.

My only saving grace in this situation is that I've recently (i.e. yesterday) enlisted the services of a nutritionist who (I'm praying hoping) will be able to help me lose the excessive amount of weight that I've gained in the last few weeks, months and years. I'm desperate to lose the excess weight and I'm again contemplating surgery. I'm also contemplating cosmetic surgery to fix the way I look too.

All the activities that I do and all the time I've spent doing them...I still don't have a body that would suggest that I do any of those things. I still look like a younger version of Don Vito and it makes me want to cry when I see myself in the mirror. It makes me want to vomit when people take photos of me because the camera shows you the reality of the world...and the reality is that I'm not even close to good looking or attractive. I'm not even close to average looking for that matter.

There are days when I'm ashamed to go out in public because of the way I look. There are days I wished that I didn't exist so I didn't have to inflict my ugliness on other people. I sometimes go to sleep wondering how much better the world would be if I didn't exist. I sometimes go to sleep thinking about everyone I know and how much happier their lives would be if I didn't exist. Sometimes I go to sleep wishing that it was real.

How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me let go!
Of the chaos around me.
The devil that hounds me.
I need you to tell me.

On top of it all, I've also been issued with a speeding fine. I know I'm responsible for my own actions and the fine is a consequence of that action...it's just the timing of it all. It could only be Karma behind it all. It's going to cost me $150 to pay it off...and I was only going 10km over the speed limit.

But for that they have gotta pay.
If that don't kill you then the side effects will.
If we don't kill each other then the side effects will.
Cape Town I think we got a problem.

This song...for some reason...has been helping me. I don't know but it just has. I don't know if there's something underlying in the lyrics or if there's some hidden intention or emotion in the music or lyrics...but it connects with me...and in it's own way...it's holding me back from the edge.

If the darkest hour comes before the light,
Where is the light?
Where is the light?

Devil's Winamp: Pink - Ave Maria
Devil's Mood: Sickened / Embarrassed / Disgusted / Fugly