Just Gonna Stand There And Hear Me Cry? Well That's Alright Because I Love The Way You Lie

Devil is flat-spinning again.

The endless questioning of questions in my head going round and round in circles.

If I wasn't so ugly, I might have been happy.

If I wasn't so fat, I might have been attractive.

If I wasn't so stupid, I might have been more successful.

If I wasn't so me, I might have been a better person.

I've had too much time to think about things and that is never a good thing.

They say that the truth will set you free...and now I'm re-thinking this whole photography course that I'm currently involved in. I thought I was getting into photography because I was searching for the truth. The truth about what...I don't know exactly...but I was hoping to find A truth. A truth about something. A truth that I was hoping would answer SOME question about me. About who I am and who I wish I could be or hope I could be.

As it turns out, in my first semester, I learned that a photo is not the truth. It is, in fact a lie. And the photographer facilitates this. Every photograph is a carefully constructed fabrication of the truth. Here I was believing that I was getting into the world of photography so that I could show people the truth of the world that I see...only to find out a photo-shopped image is just as "truthful" as an untouched image.

This realisation has shattered me and makes me question why I'm even doing this course for in the first place. Do I want to be a become a better liar? Do I want to twist and weave my own version of lies for the world to see? Do I want to warp and spin my own set of lies so I can hide amongst them all? I don't know anymore. I honestly don't know.

I don't know why I'm doing anything any more. I'm not good at anything I'm doing. My gym workouts don't appear to be working and after all this time I still have nothing to show for it. I seem to be getting progressively worse and worse at any gymnastics skills I'm attempting. I've made absolutely no progress with any rock climbing activities.

My circus skills (if you call them that) are laughable at best and I've made absolutely no progress with any of it. My swimming also remains unchanged and I haven't learnt anything new with my martial arts. The dancing is the same too. Absolutely no progress, no advancement, no anything.

I honestly wonder why I'm doing anything anymore.

I honestly wonder why I'm even trying.

I honestly don't know why.

I just wish I had a purpose in life.

A reason for existing.

Something.

Anything.

Devil's Winamp: Eminem Feat. Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie
Devil's Mood: Drowning.